Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize