i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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