Please, let me fuck your mom
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
