Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
