dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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