I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
