Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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