did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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