wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
