i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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