I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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