He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
