she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
