What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize