He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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