How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
