THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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