i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
