remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
