In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
