I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just want to make out with him forever
Randomize
