Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
