How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
