By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
