I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
