i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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