Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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