I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
