he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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