I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
