oh god the rape fog is back!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
