all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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