I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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