Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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