just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
