my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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