He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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