she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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