quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
