theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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