Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
