please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
