my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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