i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
