I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
