I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize