If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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