Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize