My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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