It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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