Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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