You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
