Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
