nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
