In the future we'll all be gay
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You're a waste of cheezeits
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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