just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
