no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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