Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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