Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
