I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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